The folly of our youth: Sometimes, LOVE stares you at the face but you will be too blind to see it. And then, before you even realize it, you've lost your chance.....
And Aries was his name. A not so very ordinary boy or name.
But I'm to blame. For a love that didn't bloom
For the hearts that though they played in tune
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing
I messed up on the words and rhymes
They couldn't mean a thing...
And Aries was his name
I never really knew him but I loved him just the same
Wish that I had found a way
And the words I lost that could have made him stay
I have learned to live a life apart from all the rest
If I can't have the one I want I'll do without the best
But how I missed the boy
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
he had been mine for a day.....
As my mom was one of the pillars of that church, I have to help in any way I can. The church that time did not have funds appropriated for their meals so we counted on our people's generosity and hospitality. People would invite them to dine in their house for lunch or dinner. The calendar was full. Sometimes Ate Cecile Carolino would join us, but I was the constant presence in all those meals.
Being with them everyday, I've earned 4 more brothers and 2 good friends. But as the days went by, I've grown closer to Aries.
April 28 is our annual town fiesta. We, choir members, practice seriously for the songs we will sing for the concelebration Mass (the holy sacrifice of the mass where a lot of priests officiate the Mass together and the highest in rank is the main celebrant.) The "gloria" (glory to God in the highest) has always been a favorite of mine because when it is being sung, it was always grand. I love the harmony of the different voices. Reflecting on it now, maybe inwardly, praising God has always brought me happiness. Brother Jonas was choir director and Aries taught us the melody of the 2nd voice. That melody stayed in my heart so as all those other songs I used to sing in the 2nd voice.
My youngest brother Junjun was escort to one of the candidates in the popularity contest, a church fund raiser. He was 6 years old then and super-dooper cute. Everybody was pairing him off with Dianne, Tita Letty's daughter and his childhood sweetheart. I watched the coronation night with my new-found brothers. There was a parade during the day of the fiesta and it was customary to have a parasol in the parade to at least provide a little shade of comfort in the heat of the day. After the parade, Aries was holding the parasol all opened and was trying to be funny posing as if he's a girl. As I was holding the camera (i always did), I found it too cute that I had to take a shot to preserve that memory.
Our closeness started to grow and people started talking. Even mommy and her friends would sometimes remark "tingnan nyo yung dalawang yan, parang mag-boyfriend" (look at those 2, they look like they were sweethearts), referring to me and Aries. We were, of course, unaware of those because we were just having fun.
Normally, my talks with them were reminiscent of Millard and Arnel though mostly Arnel, 2 seminarians assigned to our place the previous year whom we've grown closer with, who happened to be Aries' classmates. Later on, while the brothers were away for their family week-end, I would learn from Carol, one of the junior choirs, how Aries vented out one time while eating siniguelas fruit dipped in rock salt that I always talked about Arnel, always about Arnel. Carol hinted out that he looked jealous, but I did not believe it, though honestly, it brought happiness to my heart.
They say action speaks louder than voice. I will add something to that. Reaction speaks the loudest. Because I can deny all I can that he was just a very good friend but my heart says he was someone very special. My antennae will tweak when I see him paying close attention to a girl. Plus, I've always hated Ginebra team, but due to Aries, I switched. And I would always think of him whenever I heard the song Vincent.
My dad has never displayed any negative emotion to any of my suitors or guy-friends who comes to our house; even to the previous batch of seminarians (who one of them became my sister's boyfriend and later on husband) who were always in our house just the same. Once when the brothers were picking me up at the house ( I think Aries arrived first while the others were still lagging behind), for whatever reason he might have had, (which I never will find out anymore) my dad remarked "can you make coffee for me? you don't want to do anything for me anymore, just for them seminarians." I was flabbergasted for it was the first time I heard him display such jealousy.
Aries would always be there for me, and I can't forget the time he accompanied me to Tita Luz Macatangay's house to get what I recall now as my on-the-job trainee pay from AG&P (Atlantic Gulf & Pacific Co. of Manila) where I held my practicum (office practice), a pre-requisite to my Psychology course. It was just the two of us and it was almost dark. I had to change streets a couple of times for I knew if people see just the 2 of us together, they might start talking.
When it was time for me to enroll for my subjects for the 1st semester of my last year in college, Aries and a good friend, Gerald Doliente kept me company. If I remember it right, he was the one who paid for our fare. After we left St. Scholastica's (my school), we stopped by their house in Alabang. I remember someone from my family told me that you should not go in a boy's house for that will make you look cheap. That and naivete' disguised as shyness made me pass that offer up that I stayed only in the terrace. Only Gerald did. Until now, I regret having done that.
That year, there was a national election held in May. Aries liked a senatorial candidate named Juan Ponce Enrile to win again while I didn't. Then we made a bet. What's funny was, we didn't settle on what's the bet, just that we made a bet. I lost. Enrile won.
May is the month when Catholics honor Mary, Jesus' Mother and ours, through flower offerings. It's called Flores de Mayo. (May Flower Festival) Everyday in May, one host family will decorate with flowers the letters forming the words AVE MARIA on sticks and the main flower offering which has the letters M on the outside for Mary and J for Jesus on the inside, with a cross on top. Dressing up the "EME" was done mornings and they are being offered at night to the Blessed Mother. Relatives and friends help gather the flowers and decorate them. The brothers helped some as much as they could. I remember us going to the plaza to get flowers from the plants called "caballero" when it was Joel de Chavez' turn to host, an altar boy close to them and called all the brothers "kuya" (big brother).
As in every hello, goodbye is always the hardest part to take. Our hearts were heavy, especially mine. What lightened the mood was the promise of their return, in the day of the Santacruzan, the culminating activity of the Flores de Mayo. It is a procession of Queens named or based upon the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary held in honor of Queen Helena and Constantine who found the true cross in Jerusalem.
On that bittersweet day, we were all present in the church to bid them farewell, giving and exchanging mementos and souvenirs. Aries had a baseball cap with the print "bullshit, i love you" in front. I liked it the moment I saw it. Then, to my dismay, in front of my face, Aries threw it to Rogelio (R.I.P.) who adored him, another altar boy and choir member and said, "O, iyo na" (meaning you can have it). It landed in front of me and I took it saying, "I don't think so" for I wanted it. Of course, I got it. That cap stayed with me for the longest time until one of my cousins took it from our house without asking for my permission and used it. I was aghast upon seeing her some place wearing it. I asked her to bring it back to my house (for I will sound rude if I asked for it right there and then). Well, she never did!
That was also the day I paid him for the bet that I lost. I gave him a striped poloshirt because Senator Juan Ponce Enrile won the election.
Day of the Santacruzan (end of the month, I believe), I had to go to AG&P in Bauan for my on-the-job training. I had to hurry home on the way back for I was one of the Reyna's (Queens) and had to dress up and be dolled-up for the night. As I was rushing to the jeepney station, Aries, Raymond and Dong were there in the waiting jeepney. I didn't notice them immediately but I believe I saw them in my peripheral vision pointing towards me as I was walking towards the jeep station. I was seated across them as I was the last of the passenger to fill it up. And of course, they paid for my fare. That is one Filipino trait for me that is truly worth keeping (chivalry/graciousness).
They had to get off at the church and I to our house. I forgot what Queen I was already (am getting old!) but I remember I had to wear a crown. There were only 2 queens needed to wear crowns and I am 100% sure I was not Queen Helena so I must have been Reyna Emperatriz. Aries walked me home so I could change to go to another church activity. I had to take my crown off which was attached by loads of hairpins. I couldn't take it off and Aries graciously helped me with it. It was a delight just to be with him.
That night, a lot of girls who also missed him tried to engage him in conversations. But he was with me so he could not make them longer. He made sure I knew I was special and never left me even once. Why did I miss all the signs???
School started again and the communication Aries and I had were through letters, once a month phone calls when they get to spend time with their family and my visiting him in the seminary once a month, I think. I really must have fallen hard for him since I had to make that sacrifice of getting off in the seminary carrying my big bag of laundry, then going home. Those phone calls from his house while they were on family time lasted 3 hours minimum. As we had time limit on phone calls in our boarding house, we usually had to make several calls, or I would go to the pay phone at the store across the street and spend money just to talk with him. That was my happiness then.
Yet, even then, I was not sure that Aries truly loved me. It was Anna Villarin, my classmate at St. Scho, whose 1st cousin Jerry was Aries' classmate, that made me see the light finally. When I went with her to her boarding house, she showed me Aries' letters to her, all of them about me, in the same green stationery paper that Aries used to write me. To think I almost got jealous of her!. I read of how he asked her to see how I was, and one time because he was so worried that I was crying while we were talking on the phone. I felt I was in heaven then.. I think I was walking in clouds for a good while after that.
I always have struggled with expressing myself verbally. Until now. I can write the best essay or letter there is, but I am not that eloquent verbally. Even in praying. I am not spontaneous. Most of the time in situations where I needed it the most, what comes out of my mouth is contrary or very far from what my heart desires.
Besides, in our culture before, we always give weight to what others will say instead of what we really want. My parents were both career persons and over there, honor or a good name is priority. I grew up saturated with the thought and implied directives about how I should be careful about boys because I might not be able to finish college; that I will bring disgrace to the family name if I got married or pregnant while studying. That fear really did consume me.
One time, I called him and his mother answered the phone. She talked to me. She said "Hija, alam mo ba na si Aries ay seminarista?" (Young lady, did you know that Aries was a seminarian?). Yes, Ma'am. I replied. "So, ipagdasal natin na ipagpatuloy ni Aries ang pagiging Pari, ano!" (let's pray that he will finish his vocation and be a Priest, ok?) she then remarked. What else can I say, except another yes, ma'am? That was the reason why when I talked to him on the phone later that day, I was crying.
My idealistic, sheltered, misguided perception immediately made me decide once and for all to forget Aries. I wrote him a letter saying we should forget each other, I may just be a hindrance to your vocation, etcetera, etcetera. I lost weight after that. A medium-boned person measuring 5 ft 4.5 inches, I weighed 99 lbs. so underweight. I got anorexic for I lost my zest for life. At the sight of food, I would throw up. My friends and classmates tried to help me by making me talk to our guidance counselor.
Knowing I would deteriorate if I didn't, I sought the help of Dr. Imelda V.G. Villar, our Guidance Director. I was completing a degree in Counseling too, so I knew what counseling technique she used on me. It was Gestalt's Empty Chair technique. She made me talk to the chair as if Aries was sitting there, and tell him what I want to tell him that I can't tell him in person. So I told "Aries the chair" what was in my heart and mind, that he became the center of my universe and when I tried to remove that center by trying to forget him so that I would not be a deterrent to his vocation as what his mom pointed out, my world crushed that I was getting sick because of it, that i was very sorry for writing that nasty letter, that I didn't mean anything I said at all. Then she made me sit on Aries' chair to tell Eileen which was then supposedly the one sitting in an empty chair what I thought Aries would have replied to what I just said.
Then Dr. Villar advised me to bring back Aries in my life so that I would live again. That weekend, I visited Aries in the seminary and apologized, and told him I didn't mean what I said in the letter. He then asked permission to go out of the seminary and brought me to the most famous ice cream house in Lipa City that time, "Mama Bear's". I ordered spaghetti and he ordered ice cream for him and me. Then he talked.
He told me that as of that moment, his plan was to pursue Theology in Lucena City after graduating from his Philosophy Course. He said his alternative was to pursue medicine. Aries said he wanted us to be together but he was leaving the choice to me, since it will be me who shall be greatly affected if he finished theology and decided became a priest. I just had 1 or 2 fork-full of spaghetti and I never finished it. Then, I uttered the most stupid(est) words I ever said in my whole life. I told him, "Who am I to compete with God? If you will become a Priest, I do not want to be the obstacle". Words so noble to the ear, yet like sword pierced my heart.
That Monday, all my classmates, as they knew what was going on, were so excited to hear from me, only to be disappointed after hearing what I (mis)did. One of them remarked, "that was what you've been waiting for all your life and you blew it away? Rubbed it in, they did!
Looking back, those words were by-products of a combination of: naïveté (i never had a boyfriend, never fell in love before) misguided perceptions, wrong idealism, and fear of social derision. My sister Yvette fell in love with Brother Tony, one of the seminarians in the 1st batch, who even shared Aries' birthday. My mind was always playing a scenario of what people would say about my Mom if it will become Aries and me. People would criticize Mommy saying "there, she worked hard for those seminarians, and her two daughters both got hooked by them". Very stupid and shallow, I know now, but that time, it was daunting for me, a burden looming on the horizon.
I've had many "what-if-I did-it-differently" musings but it did not occur to me that taking back what I said was an option. I totally missed out on the choice that I could have done exactly the same thing I did to my letter to the regretful words that I uttered to him at Mama Bear's -- take them back. I've had lots of moments when I thought of calling him, but I didn't. I was waiting for him to make the move, failing to recognize that he already has made his move and the next one should have been mine.
It is obvious that I had my regrets, for after my 1st marriage failed, I've told my closest friends who knew about Aries that it would not have happened had I been married to Aries instead. But, I will never know that, would I?
Sometimes, I would see Aries in my dreams. The last one was 3 or 4 nights ago. All of them were good dreams.
Aries would always have a special place in my heart. That was a given. But the "Director" of my life clearly had another role for me to play. I believe God puts us in a place or a situation where He knows it is best at the time. When we have accomplished our purpose, then He would move us to the next phase. He puts people in our lives to become a part of us, a part of the person He wants us to be. I thank God for bringing Aries to me at that phase in my life.
God is the director in this show that we call life. He is there to direct, it's up to us to play. I knew He is a scriptwriter too, but I remember Him giving us choices. Like our salvation. He wants all of us to have it. But because we were made in His image and likeness, He gave us free will. It's not up to Him. It is up to us. The choice will always be ours.
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